Peace & Perspective

Living in Peace by having the right perspective. Peace – ˈpēs Noun: Freedom from strife; a state of tranquillity or serenity. Perspective – per·spec·tive – pərˈspektiv – Noun: A particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.

Abusive Relationships

6 Comments

When we think of an abusive relationship, our minds automatically gravitate toward physical abuse. One that leaves visible scars or bruises as evidence of the abuse. This visual evidence prompts compassion and inquiry from others. The abused is able to release pain by explaining circumstances and even implicate the abuser. After all, there is evidence that cannot be denied.

Unless you have personally been subjected to emotional and mental abuse, I’m going to boldly declare that you have no idea the level of pain inflicted on a person’s mental state. Verbal abuse, shunning, rejection, berating, and belittling takes an enormous toll on one’s emotional state. That, coupled with carefully crafted lies in order to discredit and devalue someone, is part of the abuser’s diabolical agenda to vindictively hurt someone.

While I’ve never been physically abused, I’m also going to boldly declare that I believe it is most likely equal in its effect on a person. Yes, there are no scars or bruising on the outside as evidence but that doesn’t minimize the abuse and the pain going on in the inside. Mental and emotional abuse leaves internal scars and bruises no one can see or understand. And because it can’t be visually seen, others don’t offer compassion and there is no inquiry about the pain because they don’t know what you are enduring.

Here’s a clue: Emotional and mental abuse will reveal itself through sadness, anger, insecurity, and even paranoia. It will reveal itself through the insatiable desire to talk about the pain and find reasons to explain why and how…why did it happen and how did I let it? It reveals itself through an overbearing need to seek justice against the abuser by uncovering their false mask to everyone.

I’ve been very lucky in my life to be mostly surrounded by stable, healthy individuals and good relationships. People who know and understand boundaries. People who live by societies norms and live life with mutual respect and kindness. People who know not to burst into someone’s home and begin verbally abusing them in front of their family and then storm out exclaiming, “I can’t deal with her!” People who know that sending multiple profanity-laced texts to a “family member” is unacceptable and warrants an apology, not justification. People who know how to practice self-control and resolve disagreements in a calm, civil, and rational manner not throw explosive temper tantrums when they don’t get their way. People who don’t rationalize hate and relentlessly punish someone for disagreeing with them in order to make them pay. The list of insanity is endless for those who have a very unhealthy view of relationships.

I’ve always been known to my closest friends for giving the benefit of the doubt way too much. I am the girl that maintained certain friendships even though they were unhealthy and lots of work. I’m the one who overlooks things for the sake of peace, grace and even hope. Hoping the things I witnessed were just a season of questionable behavior toward me or to others. I guess I could also confess that there was probably a smidge of denial in my overlooking too. My mind doesn’t comprehend irreprehensible behavior, so, therefore, when I witness it, I’m left thinking that there has to be some justifiable reason behind it and truly people cannot be this cruel to others. My heart usually always goes to the underlying cause…the root of the problem. Privy to information as only one in a close relationship has, the root of the issues has always been what prompts me to extend that grace and to give one more chance.

I rather be known as the fool that gave the toxic person one more chance out of grace and humility than be known for being the toxic person.

Yet another lesson I have learned. Grace can and should be the driving force in all conflicts. However, historic events reveal the true character of people. There are people who don’t want peace and only want to fight. Their ultimate goal in conflict is control. They thrive on chaos and turmoil. They believe they truly have authority over others and will go to great lengths to display this egotistical entitlement and try to dominate others with bullying and demands. Most always, their lives are a shattered mess, they’re exhausted from living a lie, and they wear a false mask of charm, peace and joy. They deflect what’s really going on in their own life by drawing negative attention to someone else with lies in order to set the stage that they’re not the only one with issues when the truth about their lives and who they are is ultimately revealed. If they’re going down, they’re going to take someone down with them.

It’s quite the game they play. Unfortunately, many times, others cannot see it and that is what is so mentally tormenting to someone who has been at the brunt of their horrendous verbal, emotional, and mental abuse. Watching as others believe they are charming and even feel sorry for them having no idea the level of ugly you have been subjected to.

I am a firm believer that truth will always be revealed at some point in time. However, sometimes you have to nudge the truth to come out to those who will listen because your abuser is a master manipulator. Allowing the abuser to paint a false picture of you with lies while portraying themselves as a victim by not speaking up with the truth is only submitting to their brutal control. At some point, it has to end.

I always believed these scriptures:

Romans 12:19
Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord

Galatians 6:7-9

7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
8 For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting.
9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

However, I had a recent revelation. After four years of being silent and allowing my abuser to control me by telling a distorted version of the nightmare we have been living under her domineering authority to anyone who would listen, it is time to speak up with the truth. Sometimes we have to be a participant in our own victories.

Perhaps the lesson is not to “Be still and know that I am God” but the lesson is courage! 

And then this hit me:

David Giant

Advertisements

Author: peaceandperspectiveblog

This blog contains my perspective on issues we face in today’s world, within relationships, and in our daily lives with the end goal of bringing light into darkness and how to ultimately live in peace throughout it all! My mission is to share my knowledge and wisdom that I have acquired through my life’s many trials and challenges from the past ten years as well as how I have reaped the fruit of my labor (Psalm 128:2) through wise choices made with my Christian values in different aspects of my life. None of it has been easy. I am a work in progress, but I live a life of gratefulness, despite the many trials I have faced. I am not, have never been, and will never be a victim. I give God the glory for waking me up through the trials He has allowed! He has given me eyes that see and ears that hear through His prompting to seek Him in my darkest days. He continues to mold me into who He wants me to be with each trial I face. I believe He is using me to plant seeds in others through the lessons I’ve learned through the difficult trials I have endured, the choices I’ve made, the faith I’ve kept, and the amazing, wonderful peaceful outcome in my life. Thank you for allowing me to share my perspective. It is incredibly therapeutic for me to write about my life experiences. I hope I can help you see a new perspective in the trials you are facing or may face in the future. I hope you enjoy. Leave me a comment with any questions or encouragement to make this a better blog and please consider following and sharing. Psalm 128:2 You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours.

6 thoughts on “Abusive Relationships

  1. Well said. Those who haven’t experienced the varied, abundant and always escalating types of abuse that a narcissist or sociopath uses on their target it’s unimaginable, impossible to understand.
    Unfortunately, I understand.
    Thank you for effectively describing life with a highly dysfunctional and soulless creature.
    I refuse to use the term person, it simply doesn’t fit.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your reply, A Covert Narcissist’s Wife. It is impossible to understand unless you’ve been on the receiving end of the mind games and distorted logic they live by.

      I hope you are able to set some sort of boundaries for your own mental state and well-being as I see you are “wife.” Mine was close enough to us to cause a lot of harm, but never under my own roof. I pray for your strength as you live with this daily.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Peace and Perspective – It is amazing to me that what you express in this post describes my estranged husband to the letter. You could have been living in my home for the past 31 years. By sheer coincidence, I discovered about this type of abuse and have been researching and learning about narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths (cluster B personalities) since last October. The pieces all fit together now, since the day that we were introduced and then married shortly after. As he has aged, he has become more emotionally and verbally abusive, mostly in private. Since I filed for divorce in March he has become more desperate and unraveled. The awful true person is coming out from behind the mask and it is absolutely terrifying.

        In my frantic search for knowledge, I have learned to address my own issues that have allowed this to go on for so long. It has been a tough journey to self-growth and self-love. It hasn’t been fun. However, I feel more confident in my own skin. It’s been tough to find the courage to do the things that must be done for success in this fight for my very soul. Never give up on yourself, because you are the only one that is truly there for you through this type of ordeal. The hurts and surprises still come even though I know what to expect. It’s still painful when it actually happens to me just like the stories that I have read. I find myself alone and scared and yet exhilarated at the same time. I am free to be me! Of course, I am learning who “me” really is at this point. Imagine, learning to be myself at 54.

        I wish I could share this post with those family and friends that really need to have a better understanding of why I have chosen to end this marriage. Unfortunately, most of them, including my adult son from a previous marriage, do not want to deal with it. No one wants to accept that there are people out there that are so toxic. I have learned more than I ever wanted to know. I want to help my loved ones know how to prevent this abuse in their own lives. From what I have learned, this type of behavior is becoming rampant in our society. The fear is real and our churches, schools, parents and role models are not teaching our children how to prevent this from happening in their lives. I worry about my granddaughter and soon-to-be born grandson. I am petrified for their coping skills to deal with these types of people.

        I hope that others (men and women both) can change their status from “victim” to “survivor”. The key to surviving is to have a solid plan and reach out to people who truly care about YOU. Be very careful of who you trust and never share anything with the narcissist. It WILL be used against you in the most ugly and unexpected ways. Learn about the “no contact” theory. It really truly works. Your heart stays lighter when you don’t have that constant reminder of why you are leaving their control of you behind. Do your research. And, as Joel Osteen said, “Tame your tongue”. Remember to practice self-care. Life is a gift and you have to appreciate the “now”.

        I struggle every moment to be courageous and persistent in my goal of escaping this nightmare. Thank you for the encouraging and knowledgeable posts that have helped me tremendously. I draw strength from the knowledge that I have gained and the hope that I can survive this with courage, humor and grace.

        Knowledge is power!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you so much for your reply, Anonymous. In response to your post, all I can say is, wow! Yes, you get it! I remember the day I discovered there was a name for the irreprehensible behavior I have been subjected to and everything began making so much sense! I asked myself over and over again, “What the heck is going on and how does one not know that their behavior is unacceptable on every level?”

        Prior to gaining this knowledge, for two years I exhaustively analyzed each explosive and bullying encounter trying to make sense of it all. Then when I began learning about narcissism/sociopaths and reading blogs, I said the exact same thing you did in this post….I could have written every word I was reading! So for you to say that about my post not only validates to me that I am indeed working with someone with a highly dysfunctional personality disorder, but now I can help others through my experience because for the most part, our boundaries are up and she’s out and I’m taking control of my life back!

        Here’s the kicker…the mask they wear is amazing. I’ve known my narc for almost 23 years. I didn’t witness this behavior until about four years ago…over a disagreement (which I like to refer to as Round 1). I had never seen anything like it before in my life. My head was spinning trying to understand the rage, controlling demands, bullying and verbally abusive attacks on my character, all over a disagreement. What ensued thereafter, well, I’m thinking of writing a book! Most of it will sound fabricated, but it’s all 100% true! I know you’ll understand that too.

        God bless you. Remember, please don’t try to get even. Don’t ever lower your standards for someone who is beneath you. For the most part, I have given it to God to handle in his timing because above all else, He is who I want to please. Clearing my name and reputation was very important to my mental state and it has really helped me better cope with this nightmare so that I am able to walk away for good.

        Like

      • Dear Peace,

        I have no desire to get even. I just want to come out of this with my soul and heart intact. These types of people are hard to comprehend. I do not want to have to go through this again.

        I think that my prayers are being answered. I checked on 2 of the blogs that I follow and both of them had new posts today on something that happened just last night. I like to think that is divine intervention and that I am on the right track.

        Your words have definitely helped me deal with the aftermath. Please keep going with sharing your own experience. Thank you again and God bless you.

        Like

      • Working on removing toxicity, nor finished. The poison has been somewhat dibilitating, Complex PTSD is slowing me down.

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s